Superheroes

I’ve tried to write this one a couple times. It pulls on my heart strings and I kind of don’t know what to say.

I feel as though I need to be a superhero to be the dad my girls deserve. While they were in the NICU I was training for a 50K. The only time I could squeeze in a long run was on the weekends, but that was also the only extended time I got at the hospital. So I would wake up at 4am and run the 16 miles from the house to the NICU, then spend the day there with Laurel. In search of local adventures, I tried to continue climbing, started lobster diving more, and took sailing lessons. I used the mornings on weekends to learn new things and the rest of the day to hang with the girls. I just wanted to make sure the girls knew they could do anything and I wanted to set that precedent. I struggled - I never felt like I could do enough to get ready for them in our lives. I never felt like I would do enough for them to look up to me and be proud. All this, and they are barely 60 days old.

This was all before the girls came home…

Fast forward a month and a half and I’m sitting at my computer with Farrah in a swaddle, she is starting to stir after a nice long nap. It seems like a lifetime ago that they were tied to machines. Even when we first disconnected them from the monitors, we stood in their respective rooms at the hospital and smiled. It took a few minutes for us to realize we could just walk around and that they could be in the same room!

Yet, I still remember the first few days when their breaths were shallow and rapid. Their lungs and muscles were not ready for the world, so their breaths were so effortful and ineffective. They struggled to do anything, and they would often crash and need stimulation - sometimes a little nudge, sometimes more than that.

I remember thinking that if they pulled through, this would be proof they could do anything. They were so strong and I, helplessly, stood behind the glass.

Now with them home things have changed - during the work week, the team lets me sleep more so I can be functional at work. So I try to use my weekends to take care of the girls and let Laurel and her mom sleep more.

I have basically stopped running, climbing, or any other adventure. We do go on little hikes and walks but for the most part, we are near the house. My training dropped off and I was not able to run my 50K. This was a tough pill to swallow as I like to complete things that I start, but I am happier with the girls than I would have been running this weekend with out them.

Now looking back, and looking forward, I see the superhero is not me, it’s Laurel, Sia, Farrah, and everyone who helped us get to today. The new adventure is to raise little superheroes and whatever role I need to play to do that, I will gladly play the part.