No day but today (or tomorrow or Saturday…)

I'm terrified. So scared. The scaredest. The most much scaredededed. The moosen in the woodseneses! … (if you don't understand, don't worry about it.)

Over the past two weeks, the communication with the team at the hospital has gone from “We're hoping they'll be home before Thanksgiving”, to “Some time in the next 7-10 days”, to “Bring the car seats today because they're most likely coming home either tomorrow or Saturday”… 😳😳😳😳

So… enter terror. The list of things I'm terrified of goes mostly like this:

1. SIDS

2. SIDS

3. RSV

4. car crash on the way home

5. dropping my babies/falling down stairs with babies

6. babies choking

7. the dog/cat maiming/suffocating babies

8. flu/other illnesses

9. SIDS

10. RSV

… And so on. Rearrange the order at any given moment depending on the context. Tips for mitigating those fears aside from my current plan to become an always awake hermit and stare at them at all times are welcome.

But I'm also feeling something not quite the opposite of fear, because that's fairly pervasive, but there's a solid mix of excitement, relief, and the most love ever. The list of things I'm most excited about goes a little like this:

1. Picking up babies without cords, tubes, wires - over the months, this has gone from scary to annoying to rage-inducing. I'm over it.

2. Snuggling babies whenever I want and not feeling like I need to ask permission! I don't! They're mine! And, most importantly, it's safe now. Strange to think about when it wasn't. It feels simultaneously like it was so long ago… But also yesterday. Watch out babies, snuggle overload is coming your way. I'm only a little sorry!

3. Not driving to the hospital every day… Or paying for parking. The cafeteria has been great. If I never eat there again, that would also be fine.

4. Getting to know my children… I know them, but I can't wait to see who they REALLY are outside of sterile, beeping, alarming, always ON, always a little at arms length (or maybe at cords length) rooms. I've not walked more than ten feet from a metal crib with my child. I'm ready for that to be over.

5. I can't wait to watch my children get to know each other. They've only shared the same space four times since they were born and that kills me. I have so much hope for their relationship and can't wait to watch them actually start life… Together.

I know the coming days, weeks, and months will be a whole new type of challenging, but we're ready for a change. It has been scary, sad, scary again, infuriating, frustrating, and exhausting in every way. But we've also learned so much and met such amazing people... NICU nurses, other parents, the front desk crew, the cashiers in the cafeteria, the man with the blue lunchbox and the nicest face who always smiled as we passed each other in the lobby as he was leaving and I was coming in… I really will miss them all. But we're ready (in theory). Wish us luck!